Boundaries are Fences

"Boundary” has become one of those pop psychology buzzwords I hear everywhere online and in the media. I love/hate when therapy terms leak into our collective speech.

On one hand, I think we all benefit from learning more about ourselves and the world around us. Having language to describe our experiences can be incredibly helpful. A lot of these terms give people a new way to understand their behaviors, relationships, and experiences, which can help them move forward.

On the other hand, I often see people take these concepts and use them, in the best case, without fully understanding them, or, in the worst case, maliciously.

So, what actually is a boundary?

A boundary is a line, physical or otherwise, that defines me, my wants, my desires, and my standards from things that don't align with who I am.

I've started using the analogy of a fence in sessions when talking about boundaries with clients, and I think it is a pretty good way to visualize them.

Think of yourself as your backyard.

Your emotions, wants, dreams, experiences, and everything else that makes you who you are live in that backyard. Your partner, friends, family members, and coworkers are your neighbors. They have their own yards, and you share a fence.

What happens in their yard may affect you. They might be having a bad day and yell. They might throw a party that keeps you awake. They might make choices that you don't agree with. Sometimes, what happens on their side of the fence spills over into your yard.

But ultimately, you are responsible for your yard, and they are responsible for theirs.

This is where boundaries can get complicated.

In and out of sessions, I see how confused people can become about how to state, maintain, or hold boundaries. Sometimes, this is because a person has never really explored what is acceptable behavior to them. Sometimes, people don't hold boundaries because they are afraid of what they will lose if they do. And other times, I see people in unhealthy or abusive relationships who have had their boundaries violated so many times that they become fearful or lose their sense of themselves.

There are two foundational ideas that I think are important to understand when it comes to boundaries.

The first is knowing and understanding yourself.

You have to do the work to know your worth, the type of relationships you want, and the kind of life you want to have. It's a lot easier said than done. But if you can name and define what you are protecting inside your fence, it becomes a lot easier to know what you need to keep out.

The second idea is understanding who boundaries are actually for.

I often hear people say, “This person violated my boundary.”

And sometimes, they did.

But boundaries are not for other people. They are for you.

Boundaries are something you hold. They are something you communicate. And sometimes, they are something you have to redraw when the circumstances change.

For example, if every time I see a particular friend, they hit me, I'm going to stop seeing them in person. I value my physical safety, and I don't want to give anyone access to violate that safety.

That doesn't necessarily mean I have to cut the friend off completely. I can talk to them. I can explain the harm they are causing. I can ask them to stop.

But if I communicate with this friend and they continue to hit me, I might suggest a video chat the next time they want to talk.

My boundary has changed because the situation has changed.

And I think this is where boundaries are often misunderstood. A boundary isn't about making someone else behave the way you want them to behave. You don't get to build a fence and then control what your neighbor does in their yard.

You get to decide what you will allow into yours.

My safety, emotions, and well-being are my responsibility. As much as I may want other people's behavior to change, that part is outside of my control.

What I can control is what I do next.

I can move the fence.

I can close the gate.

I can stop letting someone into my yard.

And sometimes, I may decide that someone is no longer welcome in my yard at all.

That is a boundary.